Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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