I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
