I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
