Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
