You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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