the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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