Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
