note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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