3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
