So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
