i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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