i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
