no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
