I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
