I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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