Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
