ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
