I met the friendliest cop last night
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
