Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
