i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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