You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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