I'm going to jail i love you
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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