Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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