but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
