I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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