Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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