You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
