I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
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She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
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Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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