Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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