Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
