Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
