just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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