My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
