he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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