i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
