If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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