Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
