if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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