The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
