Define "chronic" masturbator.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
