New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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