having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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