He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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