Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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