I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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