I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
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Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
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I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I pour the whiskey from now on
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