Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
