I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize