so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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