I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
