Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
i think im in europe. pls send help
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
what the fuck happened to the tacos
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
