just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize