it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
