none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
