Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
