I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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