I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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