Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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