i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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